Expectations

Over a short vacation I found myself picking up random books around the B&B I was hiding in and doing some interesting reading. One short book was very plain spoken and resonated my heart. It was short autobiographic moments where women realized God was working to help them understand themselves and their lives more clearly. The one that hit me square in the heart was called "Expectations." It made me stop and think...hard. I'm not going to tell you her story but my own version of her story.

When I was a child I had certain expectations of my life. I expected to go to college. I expected to get married. I expected to have children. I expected to raise a family and stand beside a man who loved me for the rest of our lives. I expected... obviously, I "expected" a lot from life. Well, I left childhood behind but I took those expectations with me.

I still carry them. The reality is that those expectations were not in God's plan, at least up to this point. They were my plan. I have not gotten married. I have no children. The reality of children at this time in my life is slim. I have no man to stand beside me at this point in time. Those expectations have been shattered yet I have never altered what I expect in my heart. I have never allowed God to truly have His way with me. I have never set aside my expectations for His will. Thus, I wonder if my depression and hurt and anxiety is not somewhat my own doing. Have I brought this on myself simply by denying that His reality in my life is not as important as my expectations and since my expectations have not been met, He has failed me?

I have struggled with this same idea of expectation with the people closest to me. As a child I expected that my father would be there as he had been the early years of my life. As his career changed and our lives changed he was not as present as I seem to have needed. He did not meet my expectation. I continued to expect it, not changing my thought patterns to accommodate what was now his career and life. In some ways, while my mother was always "there" I never felt I was able to "expect" her love and affection as I should have been. I doubted her always...her love, her care, her willingness to defend and support. I never felt sure that I was important enough or that she loved me enough to truly make a difference.

To this day, I do the same with friends. I feel I cannot expect them to be there when I am in crisis, or maybe I should not expect that as I will only be disappointed. I have convinced myself on some level that I cannot expect any care and concern, any overt demonstration, any special time. Expecting that only leads to disappointment and unfulfilled needs or desires so I am better off not expecting.

After all this thought I am now left to consider a much larger picture. Could it be that my expectations are faulty? Yes. It could be. Quite possibly, I must sit back and examine if my expectations have stood in the way of me living a full and joyful life in Christ; living in the reality of His expectations of my life and letting go of my own unfulfilled expectations/fantasies. Also, if God has truly blessed me with friendships centered around Him, should I not be able to expect from them the kind of care, love, prayerfulness that they do provide? Yes, I can rely on them. I can expect those things from them as they have shown me over and over again that they are faithful, God-fearing and true; that the innate expectation between friends are available to me through them. It is my unrealistic expectations that damage both the friendship and my own happiness.

Interestingly, these ponderings bring no tears. For the first time in months my heart feels at peace and I am able to sort through some of this with little distress and upheaval. Another sign that healing does happen even when we do not feel it. God be praised.

My View of Love

[I wrote this as guest on my friend Emmy's site: http://www.lovewokemeupthismorning.com/ but figured my readers can always use these reminders too! Check out Emmy's site, she is one insightful, interesting, and well-grounded young Christian woman!]

Love is a funny thing. It means something different to each person on the planet so how do I quantify it!? I cannot. But, I can reflect and point out some things I recently learned and hopefully help you see something you may be missing.

Look at the title again…it is not my PERSPECTIVE…it is my “View.” Different words. Perspective is utterly subjective, my own opinion. View is more objective; I can try to observe and report which is often more helpful. So, let me give you some examples of things that have helped me to understand love and view it more clearly instead of through the “glass darkly” as Paul speaks about in 1 Corinthians.

• First and foremost, Love is about people. Yes, you love your dog, your iPad , your Sponge Bob sheets and your mom’s meatloaf but, they cannot love in return. Real love; love that has the power to build us up or tear us down, is between people, it is relational. Loving people is what we are here for. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him, might be saved. (John 3:17) This is LOVE.

• Love (human love) is imperfect. Only God can love perfectly. That is why when you brother sins against you, you go and speak with him directly. In love, you allowing them the chance to ask your forgiveness…forgiveness that has already been granted. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked forgiveness of a particular friend and the response is always “It’s already forgiven.” That is love…the recognition of my human imperfection and the willingness to risk love anyway, knowing there can be pain and hurt.

• Love is…patient, kind….all those 1 Corinthians 13 things! Again, we are imperfect. But the flip side of the coin comes into play here. While love is imperfect as stated above, where love exists, the asking of forgiveness becomes easy. The friend I mentioned above makes asking forgiveness as easy as asking them to pass the salt. I know when I have caused hurt as love allows us the freedom of openness with each other. That same love also demands that wounds be tended and cared for, thus apologies are made and forgiveness granted easily and with willing hearts. Because my friend tries to live all those awesome 1 Cor. 13 things…. our sinful natures are easier to forgive and the waters of this sinful life easier to navigate.

• Love is about encounter. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his book “Life Together” talks about Christian fellowship and community. Basically, we are in fellowship because we belong to Christ. “Whether it be a brief, single encounter or the daily fellowship of years, Christian community is only this. We belong to each other through and in Jesus Christ.” Every day we come into contact with others who are, or should be, part of this Christian fellowship. This means that every day we have the opportunity to love. We can choose to see those moments of encounter as an opportunity or we can deny that moment. If we choose encounter, we choose to love.

• Love is present. I have seen this first hand in the last weeks and been overwhelmed by its fullness. Love—solid, true, grounded, honest, Christ-centered love—is present, in the moment, aware. In this modern age it is easier than ever to be with people when we are apart from them; we are able to be “present” even when we are not there. Sometimes love is an email saying “I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you’re doing okay?” The other night it was a text message in the early morning hours…a prayer asking God to give peace and calm to a troubled heart and that I might know I was loved. Even in the small hours of the night when I was alone someone was praying for me and with me. Love was overwhelmingly present in that moment.

• Love is hard work but it’s our job. It’s not easy. If it were easy, why would I be writing this? Human beings are complicated, selfish, sinful things…loving them, getting past our own sinful, human, selfish selves and loving another…is one of the most difficult things we are compelled to do. But we are compelled to do it anyway. It is written in our DNA…to reach out to others. But beyond being a tremendous challenge, it is our job. How many times have we been told “Love one another as God loves you?” (or some permutation of John 13:34) For me, every time there was a dispute with a sibling or a friend the question was “how would Jesus want you to handle this?” We are to love others…love, love, love….wait a minute! We forget the rest of the verse! “As I [God] love you!” In our quest to avoid egoism and selfishness we forget that GOD LOVES US! There is value in US! We are worthy of love, God’s love and human love. If God values us so much that He sent His beloved Son to die in our stead, our response is appropriately to thank and praise Him…and treat ourselves as He would treat us…lovingly, carefully, in love. It is our JOB to LOVE…everyone including ourselves.

Welcome to my FAT world...

Recently I was talking with one of my about how I needed some ideas for writing. Immediately she said “Julie, write about our challenges with weight, about what the world tells us, how society views it, and how it hurts.” Well, that could be a dissertation! I have thought a lot about this issue and kept putting it on the back burner; not wanting to really talk about it, wanting to avoid the pain and hurt this issues causes me. Today, my heart is here…open and hurting and ready to toss out my own despair for all to see.

I am an active and healthy woman who is intelligent and kind and generous and smart and talented and all sorts of wonderful things. But in reality, in the world we all live in, all those things seem to make very little difference. You see, I am overweight. That is what people see. That is the impression they walk away with. “You know her, the heavy one.” I wonder how many have said that in identifying me to others.

Today as I was sitting at home, alone…feeling utterly alone and isolated I was reflecting on my life and instead of seeing the joys (of which there are many) all I saw was me…this base, sinful, human, overweight person. I said to myself “I guess it makes sense that I’m alone. Who would fall in love with the fat girl anyway? Who would want to touch this, be close to this, love this? This is not a person anyone would want to curl up with on a couch at night and watch a movie, or roll over and face every morning. I get it.” The sad part is that this society, that we are all a part of, has trained me to accept that this is truth; that I am and deserve to be alone because of one issue...the number on the scale.

Anyone who has never been this overweight has no idea how difficult it is to shed what amounts to another person from your own body. Losing weight is HARD! What compounds the difficulty is the expectation from society that we should be able to do it; that “they” know how we should do it, that “all we need to do is….” Excuse me...there is no magic bullet, no fool-proof plan, no guaranteed system. Every person is different; everyone arrived at this point for different reasons and has different means of addressing themselves in these moments. Don’t tell me you know what I am going through because this is NOT your body or your mind or your emotional self. You don’t have all the answers to my food hang-ups, my exercise issues, my emotional eating problems.

My bigger question is this; if I lose the weight will I suddenly and for no other reason become lovable? This is the lie the world would have me believe! This is the message I get from people around me! As if suddenly I will be a better, more wonderful, sexier, more lovable human being if I was, say… half my size. What a load of crap! But, I have bought into it! I (and most of the world) have accepted this fallacy and have poured our money into diet pills, fitness centers, weight loss programs, etc. in the hopes of becoming not healthier but ultimately lovable. Well…DAMN IT! I am lovable just as I am! Why does no one but me see that!? Yes, that is my other big struggle. When no one else sees you as material fit for making a life with you begin to question not just what is wrong with you but why all the things you are supposed to believe about yourself seem to be lies. I want to believe I am all the great things I listed above but when there is not that singular person who loves you unconditionally who reinforces those things...they seem hollow and empty and...like lies.

My father once told me I would be really pretty if I lost 20 lbs. I know he meant it as an encouragement, as a challenge for me to take care of my physical self. What I heard was “because you are heavy, you are not pretty.” What I heard was “you are ugly.” What I ultimately heard was “you are not lovable as you are.” He did not ever intend me to interpret his words that way but as a teenager, I interpreted his words through an adolescent female brain. To this day, I hear that. I hear…you are unlovable because you are overweight. I once made a comment to a male friend about being "fat and ugly." I got no contradiction. No other man has come along to challenge my father's voice or my blatant assessment of myself so here I sit, hearing my father’s voice and society’s confirmation of the same.

When will we learn to look past faces and bodies and see hearts? When will we accept open, loving, caring, God-fearing hearts and look past broken bodies and lined faces. Bodies and face change with time, experience, age,  the human condition. Hearts will always remain the beautiful things they are if you take the time to truly encounter them.

I challenge you today to look INTO the people around you, not just at them. See who they are, not how they appear to be. You may be surprised what you find when you stop letting their weight, their stature, their age, etc. stand between you and what could be a truly awesome relationship.

PS: I am also old with greying hair. I guess I have my 3 strikes…I’m out.

2012, the year of YES!!!!!

Life cannot be very fulfilling when focus on saying NO to every moment, every thought, every emotion that passes by. God has created this life for us to embrace and embrace it we must. Of course, there are always things we need to be wary of but there is also much to say Yes, to wrap our arms around and hold to tightly as we traverse the rocky path of life. Thus, while I am working hard at saying “no” to specific things I am also shouting YES to others. Making these overtly part of my life makes the no’s easier; the power of the negative is overridden with these powerful, joyful, and hope-filled positives.

I am saying Yes to Trust. Just as I am saying no to doubt, I must overtly practice its opposite, Trust. Practicing this means wholeheartedly accepting that I have an intrinsic value simply because I am a child of God. It means resting in the reality that I have people around me who care deeply about my physical, spiritual, and emotional well being. They pray for me, that seek me out, that rely on me when necessary and they make themselves available for me to rely on. I trust their words and actions and will do everything possible to never doubt what I see in those outward expressions.

I am saying Yes to Love. God did not send His son into this world to condemn the world but to redeem that world. That act of redemption is not one of law but of Gospel…and act of love in its utter completeness. Who am I to live contrary to that love? I want to live a life reflective of that love in every way possible.

I am saying Yes to Forgiveness. When I live a life reflective of Love it means I live in forgiveness; not just my own forgiveness but in forgiveness toward others. It’s a challenge; we all know that but what could be better than loving and accepting others for their flaws, their misconceptions, their own sinful natures; forgiving others even before they ask, and not carrying that burden of anger and hurt. I have a wonderful friend who is an excellent example of this to me. Whenever I screw up asking forgiveness is so simple. My friend’s response is always a loving and consistent “you already are.” I am assured forgiveness was granted immediately by my friend and by my God. This has had great effect on me and my own desire to be a more forgiving person and recognize others needs for love and forgiveness on a daily basis

I am saying Yes to Courage. They say “courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” Fear is debilitating to me and thus, working to become the strong and courageous woman I know I can be is important. In essence, I am more important. Allowing myself to be consumed by fear weakens me and shifts my focus from reliance on God to reliance on myself which, let’s face it, is going to get me nowhere. Thus, I will place my trust is my God. I will trust the mind and the self He has created in me and be a bold and courageous woman, living both outwardly and inwardly for Him.

The last two Yeses are reflective of the whole. In essence I am going to work very hard this year to say Yes to God and to Me. In some respects that sounds selfish but when we focus on improving the self which God has created in us, the outward manifestations of that are simple reflections of God working in us. We can more easily love the world around us and act with grace and forgiveness toward the people in our lives when we know, understand, and have taken time to become whole and stable individuals. When I was young I was taught this little acronym – JOY (J-Jesus, O-Others, Y-You). As an adult I have discovered this doesn’t always work. When I consistently put myself last I soon run out of both the energy and the inclination to serve others first. I become unfit to serve anyone, including God. Think about it, even Jesus went off alone to pray at times, he secluded himself in the Garden of Gethsemane to do the same. He tended to his own self and knew he needed to connect with himself, both his human nature and his spiritual nature in order to do the task set down for him by his father. In order to love humanity, he needed his strength and the hand of his father on him. If we are to do the same, how much more do we need to take time to connect with our God and to know ourselves?

May your list of yeses be longer than your no’s and may the changes you wish for yourself and your life this next year be reflective of a person you know you can be. May prayer, discipline, and faith lead your every step as we all work to be clearer and more well-defined reflections of Christ in us.

Blessings…always.

2012, the year of NO

We are now 8 days into the New Year and I have already failed at my resolutions! No worries though. I have reminders everywhere and am daily recommitted to some significant changes. I decided to approach life a bit differently as of Jan 1 and thought I would share some thoughts in this regard.

After much thought and prayer, I sat at my computer on New Years Eve and created an organized list of goals and changes I wanted to make. These are divided in four categories: Physical, financial, Spiritual, and Personal. Under each category I listed 5-6 things I wanted to attempt to do (exercise every day, see more movies, etc.) and then one large goal (like the total amount of weight I would love to lose by next Christmas, etc.) I have several copies of it at home and one at work. Then, I created a list of significant things I will say “Yes” to in the coming year and things I will say “No” to. Today I want to talk to you about the “no’s.”

It may sound odd but life has a way of leading you down paths you aren’t even aware you are on. In the last year I have realized that the path I have been traversing is not only unhealthy but only reinforces other unhealthy habits. Let me give you an example; I have been heavy for most of my life. It is only in the last 10 years or so that I am seeing what an emotional eater I truly am. That is a path I have been on for a long time. In this last year, with the help of therapy and friends, I am beginning to discover where the emotional issues reside and deal with them. I am also seeing that those issues have created many of the things I need to say “no” to… It is the deeply felt emotional state that leads to other poor decisions or destructive behaviors. So…while I am not saying “no” to food, I am saying “no” to the other traps or ruts along the path.

I am saying NO to laziness. The tendency to sit, to continuously be inactive for an extended length of time and leave life unattended (now, relaxation is one thing, laziness is another!) is a constant temptation and one that I have been doing well at battling in the last year but it needs more. I hate that feeling when you have accomplished nothing in a day simply because you have not gotten off your butt and addressed anything. In the past those days were many. In the last year they have been less. In 2012 they will be even fewer. It is in laziness that I find myself dwelling, “chewing on my brain’ as my friend says, and sliding into dark places. That’s not how I want to live.

I am saying NO to Doubt…We all live in doubt at times. Life tosses challenges at us and we question; it’s a natural thing. What I am talking about is deeper and more resonant. I am talking about doubting my own value, doubting I am loved by God, by family, by the family I have created around me of people who have chosen to be in my life. I have lived in a constant state of doubt for far too long, questioning my own worth even in the face of solid proof that I am loved and cared for. This year I am keeping tabs, recording all the myriad ways love is reflected back to me so that I can go back in those hard moments and say “yes, Julie. You are loved. You are valued. You are worthy of being loved.” I am tired of doubt.

I am saying NO to Self-pity. It was not until recently that I realized how pervasive this can be. What I am talking about is the tendency to focus on the negatives and allow them to override all else; to share those negatives in the hopes that others will feel badly for us (pity us) and commiserate. Our ills are worse than others and we are alone in our struggles. Let’s be realistic, this is completely untrue! Yes, our struggles are unique to us but we are never alone in them and most of life is within our “control” to alter. It is important in our lives, it is important to me to have those people with whom I can share my struggles, who I can share my life with. All of that is good and necessary for healthy people. When I focus on those struggles only and refuse to recognize the positives, or look for active means of changing my struggles to successes, all I want is pity. I don’t want pity. I want sharing, I want advice, I want hope. Self-pity has no place in my hopeful world.

I say NO to Darkness. It’s no surprise that I struggle with depression. There are times when I find myself overwhelmed by an unnamed and almost tactile darkness. To admit that this darkness is comfortable is rather disturbing but it’s true. This darkness is almost womb like in its safety. It’s a place I’ve created for myself where I can be surrounded by all things comfortable and isolating. For all its perceived safety, it is not a safe place. It is a place where I can hide, isolate, wallow. It’s a place where self-esteem plummets, where no one can reach me and where I return to being my own worst enemy; obviously not a safe place. The need to fight the darkness is real and I am determined that I will spend less time in this place and more time living in light and joy this year.

I say No to Fear. Life brings with it a certain amount of fear. We carry so much baggage with us in this life, adding fear makes the load even heavier. Everything seems exponentially worse when we are afraid; especially afraid of being abandon, being left, being unloved, being alone… Let’s face it, I can be afraid of facing a life-threatening illness but facing it alone only exacerbates the fear itself. Fear can never completely be eliminated but when it is ungrounded or stems from my own weaknesses or doubts, it needs to go. Thus, I will work harder to identify the reasons for moments of fear and fight unfounded fears with peace, calm, trust, and prayer.

I am not good at saying no…but this year I will be better at it. I will say no to things that harm me or cause me distress. I’m thinking this is a good start. Feel free to call me on my slip-ups! Soon to come, see what I am saying Yes to!

Starting Over

Some of you who track my Facebook status may wonder what is going on as some of them have been rather cryptic as of late and hinted at some possible health issues. The short version is that I went to the Dr. for swollen ankles and have discovered that for some reason my kidneys have turned on me. I will be having a biopsy in 2 weeks to discover the cause but the upside is, I am still healthy, my kidneys are still healthy and undamaged but changes must be made. Quick medical intervention will lead to healing and a complete recovery. It will take time, of course but God has blessed me with wise physicians and the marvel of modern medicine.

It has been a long 2 weeks fraught with fear and tears and lots of unknowns. Being a single woman, in a big city, with no family near I have often wondered what would happen if I encountered something like this; how I would cope. Let’s be honest here, there were moments when coping meant curling up on the couch under a heavy blanket having a good cry. There were moments when coping was long tearful walks trying to run away from myself. Sometimes coping meant...not coping at all.

So, how did I cope? Naturally, my family has been concerned and attentive and always in touch but they are hours away and I am sure feeling a bit removed. Who was here to get me through? My friends or rather the family I have chosen for myself* came to me. They would not let me hide or wallow or sit alone in fear. They came to me, the made me laugh, the watched me cry, the asked questions and at every turn they reminded me that I was not alone. One of the best reminders I have is a text stating "I'm with you." I felt their prayers constantly and I continue to know they are ready to face the next steps with me. Changes are coming as steps need to be taken to make sure this never happens again but they are there, already encouraging, keeping me mindful, willing to join me in this new approach, cajoling, and constantly reminding me that I’m not alone physically and that my loving God is always beside me.

As I look back at 2011 I see a lot of struggle, a lot of pain, a lot of confusion, a lot of change. Of course there was good! I went to FRANCE!!!!! :) But there are so many aspects of it I would rather not repeat. So, I truly do look to 2012 as a new start. A chance fix the body that has turned on me, an opportunity to change the heart that wants to live freely in Grace and forgiveness. This is Julie’s year for being “whole.” For working toward being the best I can be in every aspect of my life but also making sure I HAVE a life, not just a job or a career but a LIFE…things that bring me joy, things that make me laugh, things that stretch my intellect and my skills.

Dear Lord, this year I am going to live 100% for you.


* Lisa, Debbie, Maurice, Sarah, Tyler, Laura, Lorraine, Kim, Rosa … (2 of you are my family but I wanted you to recognize that you belong here as well!) in your own ways, and for different reason you have stepped in and been my family. I thank God for you every day!

Me and 'Night Mother

Anyone who has ever been involved in a therapeutic process understands that there are times when it just ain’t easy. As my therapist says “It isn’t a massage. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better.” Recently in this process of self-discovery I was pushed down memory lane trying to remember moments of my life that have some sort of connection to the person I am now.

Interesting, in this search I was reminded of several lines from a disturbing yet very realistic play. Marsha Norman wrote “Night Mother in 1991 and received the Pulitzer Prize for her work depicting the final evenings interactions between Jessie and Thelma (her mother). Jessie states that she will be ending her own life that night and wishes to prepare her mother. Thus, mother attempts to dissuade Jessie, to understand her course of action, etc. while Jessie does mothers nails, explains household processes, assures her that all the Christmas gifts are purchased and wrapped, etc. It is unsettling and disturbing how calm Jessie is in all this and yet the beautifully crafted dialogue between these two women cuts straight to the heart. In my own journey of self-discovery I have found some bitter truths in Jessie’s words.

“And I can't do anything either, about my life, to change it, make it better, make me feel better about it. Like it better, make it work. But I can stop it. Shut it down, turn it off like the radio when there's nothing on I want to listen to."

While I have learned to disagree with this thought, I certainly understand where it comes from. In reality, I have no control over my life. God does. It is His will I must search for in everything. But the day-to-day living is wearing and wearying. There are so many aspect of life I am helpless to change and often simply enjoying being alive, with all its benefits, is beyond my capabilities. Thus, the desire to simply make it stop, get off the ride, is pervasive at times.

Jessie’s speech that resonates so clearly with me is the following:

"I am what became of your child. I found an old baby picture of me. And it was somebody else, not me. It was somebody pink and fat who never heard of sick or lonely, somebody who cried and got fed, and reached up and got held and kicked but didn't hurt anybody, and slept whenever she wanted to, just by closing her eyes….That's who I started out and this is who is left.

That's what this is about. It's somebody I lost, all right, it's my own self. Who I never was; or who I tried to be and never got there. Somebody I waited for who never came. And never will. So, see, it doesn't much matter what else happens in the world or this house, even. I'm what was worth waiting for and I didn't make it. Me...who might have made a difference to me...I'm not going to show up, so there's no reason to stay, except to keep you company, and that's...not reason enough because I'm not...very good company. Am I?"

I see that same picture of myself and wonder where that girl went; if she was supposed to materialize and at some point something impeded her true formation. Yes, we all change over time and parts of us are altered or morphed by circumstance, by choice, by the influence of nature and nurture. What I’m talking about here is more severe; as if some essential part has been severed and the rest of me was left to figure out how to function without that necessary piece.

Her last line above-- “so there’s no reason to stay, except to keep you company, and that’s not reason enough because I’m not very good company, am I.” I cannot tell you how many times that very thought has run through my head even at this very moment, when I know for a fact I am very poor company. In those moments it seems almost merciful to those around us that they should be relieved of our depressive and needy presence. Years ago in the depths of my saddness I vividly recall truly thinking that others would be relieved if I disappeared and they no longer had to "deal" with me. Once that thought enters your head, it is impossible to erase. One must simply battle it back into submission.

None of us can ever expect to go back to the child we were but often we see bits of ourselves in those early moments. When I look at myself in those old photos I see potential, I see joy, I see budding talent, I see confidence…all things that right now seem shadowed by the clouds of life and reality. Maybe when the clouds clear I will see her again but until then the struggle to figure out who the real me is marches on.