Expectations

Over a short vacation I found myself picking up random books around the B&B I was hiding in and doing some interesting reading. One short book was very plain spoken and resonated my heart. It was short autobiographic moments where women realized God was working to help them understand themselves and their lives more clearly. The one that hit me square in the heart was called "Expectations." It made me stop and think...hard. I'm not going to tell you her story but my own version of her story.

When I was a child I had certain expectations of my life. I expected to go to college. I expected to get married. I expected to have children. I expected to raise a family and stand beside a man who loved me for the rest of our lives. I expected... obviously, I "expected" a lot from life. Well, I left childhood behind but I took those expectations with me.

I still carry them. The reality is that those expectations were not in God's plan, at least up to this point. They were my plan. I have not gotten married. I have no children. The reality of children at this time in my life is slim. I have no man to stand beside me at this point in time. Those expectations have been shattered yet I have never altered what I expect in my heart. I have never allowed God to truly have His way with me. I have never set aside my expectations for His will. Thus, I wonder if my depression and hurt and anxiety is not somewhat my own doing. Have I brought this on myself simply by denying that His reality in my life is not as important as my expectations and since my expectations have not been met, He has failed me?

I have struggled with this same idea of expectation with the people closest to me. As a child I expected that my father would be there as he had been the early years of my life. As his career changed and our lives changed he was not as present as I seem to have needed. He did not meet my expectation. I continued to expect it, not changing my thought patterns to accommodate what was now his career and life. In some ways, while my mother was always "there" I never felt I was able to "expect" her love and affection as I should have been. I doubted her always...her love, her care, her willingness to defend and support. I never felt sure that I was important enough or that she loved me enough to truly make a difference.

To this day, I do the same with friends. I feel I cannot expect them to be there when I am in crisis, or maybe I should not expect that as I will only be disappointed. I have convinced myself on some level that I cannot expect any care and concern, any overt demonstration, any special time. Expecting that only leads to disappointment and unfulfilled needs or desires so I am better off not expecting.

After all this thought I am now left to consider a much larger picture. Could it be that my expectations are faulty? Yes. It could be. Quite possibly, I must sit back and examine if my expectations have stood in the way of me living a full and joyful life in Christ; living in the reality of His expectations of my life and letting go of my own unfulfilled expectations/fantasies. Also, if God has truly blessed me with friendships centered around Him, should I not be able to expect from them the kind of care, love, prayerfulness that they do provide? Yes, I can rely on them. I can expect those things from them as they have shown me over and over again that they are faithful, God-fearing and true; that the innate expectation between friends are available to me through them. It is my unrealistic expectations that damage both the friendship and my own happiness.

Interestingly, these ponderings bring no tears. For the first time in months my heart feels at peace and I am able to sort through some of this with little distress and upheaval. Another sign that healing does happen even when we do not feel it. God be praised.