Recently I was talking with one of my about how I needed some ideas for writing. Immediately she said “Julie, write about our challenges with weight, about what the world tells us, how society views it, and how it hurts.” Well, that could be a dissertation! I have thought a lot about this issue and kept putting it on the back burner; not wanting to really talk about it, wanting to avoid the pain and hurt this issues causes me. Today, my heart is here…open and hurting and ready to toss out my own despair for all to see.
I am an active and healthy woman who is intelligent and kind and generous and smart and talented and all sorts of wonderful things. But in reality, in the world we all live in, all those things seem to make very little difference. You see, I am overweight. That is what people see. That is the impression they walk away with. “You know her, the heavy one.” I wonder how many have said that in identifying me to others.
Today as I was sitting at home, alone…feeling utterly alone and isolated I was reflecting on my life and instead of seeing the joys (of which there are many) all I saw was me…this base, sinful, human, overweight person. I said to myself “I guess it makes sense that I’m alone. Who would fall in love with the fat girl anyway? Who would want to touch this, be close to this, love this? This is not a person anyone would want to curl up with on a couch at night and watch a movie, or roll over and face every morning. I get it.” The sad part is that this society, that we are all a part of, has trained me to accept that this is truth; that I am and deserve to be alone because of one issue...the number on the scale.
Anyone who has never been this overweight has no idea how difficult it is to shed what amounts to another person from your own body. Losing weight is HARD! What compounds the difficulty is the expectation from society that we should be able to do it; that “they” know how we should do it, that “all we need to do is….” Excuse me...there is no magic bullet, no fool-proof plan, no guaranteed system. Every person is different; everyone arrived at this point for different reasons and has different means of addressing themselves in these moments. Don’t tell me you know what I am going through because this is NOT your body or your mind or your emotional self. You don’t have all the answers to my food hang-ups, my exercise issues, my emotional eating problems.
My bigger question is this; if I lose the weight will I suddenly and for no other reason become lovable? This is the lie the world would have me believe! This is the message I get from people around me! As if suddenly I will be a better, more wonderful, sexier, more lovable human being if I was, say… half my size. What a load of crap! But, I have bought into it! I (and most of the world) have accepted this fallacy and have poured our money into diet pills, fitness centers, weight loss programs, etc. in the hopes of becoming not healthier but ultimately lovable. Well…DAMN IT! I am lovable just as I am! Why does no one but me see that!? Yes, that is my other big struggle. When no one else sees you as material fit for making a life with you begin to question not just what is wrong with you but why all the things you are supposed to believe about yourself seem to be lies. I want to believe I am all the great things I listed above but when there is not that singular person who loves you unconditionally who reinforces those things...they seem hollow and empty and...like lies.
My father once told me I would be really pretty if I lost 20 lbs. I know he meant it as an encouragement, as a challenge for me to take care of my physical self. What I heard was “because you are heavy, you are not pretty.” What I heard was “you are ugly.” What I ultimately heard was “you are not lovable as you are.” He did not ever intend me to interpret his words that way but as a teenager, I interpreted his words through an adolescent female brain. To this day, I hear that. I hear…you are unlovable because you are overweight. I once made a comment to a male friend about being "fat and ugly." I got no contradiction. No other man has come along to challenge my father's voice or my blatant assessment of myself so here I sit, hearing my father’s voice and society’s confirmation of the same.
When will we learn to look past faces and bodies and see hearts? When will we accept open, loving, caring, God-fearing hearts and look past broken bodies and lined faces. Bodies and face change with time, experience, age, the human condition. Hearts will always remain the beautiful things they are if you take the time to truly encounter them.
I challenge you today to look INTO the people around you, not just at them. See who they are, not how they appear to be. You may be surprised what you find when you stop letting their weight, their stature, their age, etc. stand between you and what could be a truly awesome relationship.
PS: I am also old with greying hair. I guess I have my 3 strikes…I’m out.
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