It's been a terribly long time since last I blogged and I am haunted by this odd guilt for not doing so; as if you all have been waiting with baited breath for my words, my thoughts, my inspirations. I know that isn't true but it's nice to imagine you missed me! :)
Funny thing about life; these things seem to come in spurts. I have pages of notes, ideas, concepts, etc. to blog on but that is all that seems to come, the kernel. The words to expound upon seem fleeting. It seems I have "Bloggers Block!"
So, instead of some deep, philosophical ramble, I am simply going to update you all as to the changes in my life.
First big one is my home shift. I have moved from the house I owned and shared with 2 roommates to a 2-bedroom apartment on the opposite "side of town." for those of you who know where I am, I moved from behind Johnny's on North Ave. to a block from Molly's in Forest Park. Thus far it's a great move and I love it. The challenge is becoming accustomed to no roommates. The silence, while not as disturbing as it was at the beginning, is still often a challenge and I must work to distract myself from becoming too maudlin and inner focused. You would think blogging would be a great outlet at times like this. I thought it would. Instead it seems to block out the words and ideas as I cope with a new kind of "alone-ness."
This week sometime we will make the final moves to sever ourselves financially since we all owned the house together. It has been a long but healthy road with my roommates. We are still friends and they have been very supportive of my move. The financial end of things has been sticky but throughout, we have practiced open communication and still spend time together which has made my transition so much easier. After we deal with the finances, I have my buy-out money, it is off to car shop! Yep, I get to take on a car loan! I am actually looking forward to the process and doing it alone. No more having daddy looking over my shoulder making sure I am making the right choice or having to weigh my decision against someone else's. Rather a freeing feeling!
Next change? Changed job description thus shifted bosses, different responsibilities, new tasks, new focus. At first this worried me greatly as I did not know what to expect but now, after meeting with my 2 new bosses, I feel like I can move forward with some confidence, knowing I can make a difference and help the programs grown in new ways. It will be a challenge but I think I am up for it.
I think that's all of them for now but I do want to leave you with this reality. The other day I asked a friend if there really was a God. I was truly asking...as there are times when the darkness descends and I feel as if I live in a place where God doesn't reach; some far corner of the inner world where only those whose sinful stench is so abhorrent they should not be forgiven. Yes, there are times I find myself there; where I don't see of feel or hear God. Where the words of prayer have dissipated like a mist and I am left alone in a dark, rank, and oppressive place. Well, God reaches into those places to; reaches in with Grace and lifts me out or shows me the path to the light. Grace...undeserved love...I am learning that my sin cannot separate me from that Grace. To be undeserving has no pendulum...there are not those who are simply undeserving and easily taken back into the fold and then those on the other end who are so undeserving they can never be salvaged. So, no matter how far I wander from God, His grace stretches out to pull me back.
So, to answer my question..."Yes, Julie. There is a God." And you have no idea how relieved I am to know that today...
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