Nude Beaches????

Got your attention, didn't it! HA!!!

No, I am not talking about nude beaches but they did come up in discussion regarding my forthcoming trip to France with several groups from campus. I thought of it this morning as I stood in front of my closet cursing at my wardrobe, telling each and very piece how much I hate them. We all have those days when nothing we put on feels right, when the selection of real wearable clothing seems to have diminished exponentially and we have "nothing to wear." Let's face it, it's not that I hate the clothes or have nothing to wear. It's that I hate the body they must hide.

So, no nude beaches for Julie...to save the French and I from extreme embarrassment. Now that I have preserved the sensibilities of the French population, let me ramble a bit about how, even at 40+ this issue bites me in the larger than desired ass...

This is not a new or unique problem. Most women, at some point, struggle with this so the first thing I have to realize is that I am not alone. We all have these moments when we truly hate who and what we see in the mirror. This has been a struggle all my life. I was "husky" as a child and have grown up with that frame of reference. It was always a battle. And it isn't as if I was sedentary! I was a pretty active kid! Even in high school I was on the basketball team and actual got playing time regularly, I was both a singer and an actor which required stamina and a certain level of physical fitness. I know that at some point that stopped and I became more sedentary but I don' recall it being a conscious decision, more a habit.

So what the heck is my problem!? I am "stuck." A year ago I was really enjoying the the girl in the mirror, having rededicated myself to exercise, weight loss, etc. Physically I was in a good place, losing weight, gaining musle, eating well. Well, that was a year ago... While I am not where I was before that, I have not regained everything, but it feels as if no matter what I do I cannot get back to that motivation, that drive to do better. I need to be reactivated but I am unsure how to do that. I have tried to carve out time for exercise and something always interferes. Some days the food choices are good and solid and easy and the next they are driven by whim. The plan has gone out the window and the girl in the mirror is once again ugly and fat and unfit for much of anything.

In the back of my head I keep telling myself that I am lucky. I have no real health issues stemming from my weight, I am surrounded by wonderful people who love and care for me and see the me beyond the weight and image problems. They love me for me, not for who I appear to be. They push me, encourage me, prod me, support me, etc. through all these ups and downs. I cannot express how awesome a feeling that is! I have spent many years coming to terms with the reality that I should be loved as I am and if I choose to or am able to adjust the physical picture, I will. Loving people should not be contingent upon their physical appearance. That does not mean that I love that reflection in the mirror. I loath her some days...especially today.

What am I going to do about it? Well, I will not look in the mirror, for starters. I will not think about France and nude beaches and hot Frenchmen who are beyond my reach. :) I will plan a time to get on the damn treadmill sometime today. And, most importantly, I will continue to remind myself that I am loved by an every present and gracious God who has seen fit to surround me with people who see ME, not my fat and I will thank Him for that every moment. So, while there is frustration...God brings hope.
Thanks for the therapy session...send your bills to my accountant. :)
Tips, hints, encouragements...all appreciated! :)