Clueless

The title of my blog is how to be old...and single.

I want to clarify something today. I HAVE NO IDEA how to do those things. I am a fraud. Yes, I am old. Well, some would not think so but I am older than many think and some days I feel absolutely ancient. Yes, I am single. I have never been married, had few boyfriends and even fewer serious relationships. Not for lacking of wanting or trying but - wrong guy right time or right guy wrong time. I have a really disturbing knack for really wrong guy or married guy which has caused me to shy away from the issue a bit as of late.

My "no" is the "how to" part. One thinks, by the title, that I have some sort of wisdom and understanding to impart when in fact, I have NONE. This is my first time being this old. I have never been here before! I am a firm believer in rehearsing before you perform but life does not see fit to give me that opportunity thus every day is improvisation and I suck at it.

Interestingly, this is not my first time being single...I have ALWAYS been single. But, I suck at this as well. All this practice and I still don't get it right! Maybe rehearsal is not all it's cracked up to be. I keep thinking one day God will realize that casting me in the role of the old, bitter, lonely spinster was a huge mistake and He will correct it but no... Lately it feels more like a punishment. What I am punished for I can only imagine. The list is long and damning.

So, if you come to this page seeking some wisdom about living the life of a single person or growing older in this world, don't read here. Today there is no wisdom, only grief. No rejoicing, only pain. Today I continue to "wear my affliction like a rose" only the thorn draws tears.

Gustav Holst "Psalm 86"
To my humble supplication,
Lord, give ear and acceptation;
Save Thy servant that hath none
Help, nor hope but Thee alone.
Send, O send relieving gladness
To my soul opprest with sadness,
Which, form clog of earth set free,
Winged with zeal, flies up to Thee.