God is my Gardener

It amazes me how the human mind works; how distance brings perspective; how time brings understanding to very murky and trying times.

Some of you are aware that for me, 2010 was a trying year. It was a year of perceived personal failures, some emotional and psychological challenges, some scary events, and some struggling relationships. Of course, all of that is from my own perspective but it is the reality I faced in my heart and mind. 2010 was "not fun" in many respects.

I consulted a very wise friend at several points along the scary journey and she continued to remind me that sometimes a field must be left fallow in order for it to be renewed. Fallow? I was part of God's new crop rotation plan? What ridiculousness was this? Well, it made me think...

Farmers use the concept of crop rotation all the time. They leave sections of land empty and un-sewn for a time so that it can rejuvenate and be ready for new seed, strong enough to yield good things again. If land is overused and never left to regather the nutrients it loses, the crops it yields are smaller, weaker, less lush and whole. It yields less fruit, smaller fruit...

Does God use this concept on us? I believe so. Not that we can do "nothing" and just wait but God does, at times, bring that fallow feeling into our lives. There are times in life when we feel...weakened, without the usual energy and drive. There are times when we feel somewhat incapable of being the productive people we think we should be, when it takes every ounce of energy to simply get through each day and the idea of producing large, glorious, and wonderful fruit is beyond our capabilities; days/weeks/months when we feel we have nothing to give.

This is what fallow feels like; as if there is nothing to give, no beauty, no color, no growth, no potential. As if we are empty vessels. As if we are barren fields.

Emptiness can be frustrating and painful and lonely. Emptiness makes us wonder if we will ever be ourselves again. It makes us question who we are, God's purpose for us, if we are who God created us to be. Frankly, the emptiness made me angry! Why was God abandoning me? Why was this "fallowness" forced on me?? And for such a long time!!! If I think about it, I can trace this feeling back to last spring!

At some point I accepted this fallow state, this emotional and psychological empty feeling, I gave in and practiced another challenging task. I yielded. Another friend had used that phrase as he dealt with his own struggles; he discovered that at some point the need to yield and let God work was the best thing he could do in order to face his challenges. Remembering that, I realized what was necessary. So, I yielded...I stopped questioning, and fearing and wondering and retaliating. I settled in for the long haul, I yielded myself, my heart, my soul to God (as best as I could) and simply waited. I say "simply" because I realized that when I fought the fallow feeling I was in constant distress, I worried, I was afraid, I was exhausted. When I let go and accepted the empty state, I found a certain contentedness there. I felt the renewing happening, the first stirrings of things to come.

Well it seems "fallowness," the emptiness, God's crop rotation lasts as long as he decides it will. We do not live on our time schedules but on God's will for our lives. God decides when the fallowness happens and when the renewal is complete and we are ready to take His next step. God does the gardening, sows the seed, waters and prunes and tends. The amazement comes when you sense things growing, when you feel your heart re-blooming and opening to new things.

It is only the end of January but I can tell you that the beginning of 2011 is new and different than the end of 2010. I no longer have that fallow feeling, as if I am waiting for something to happen or existing with no means of bearing fruit. I am renewed; I am rejuvenated; I am filled with Good Things! I see now where I can bring His will to bear in my life and have the drive and energy to be a full and productive servant leader.

Being stripped bare is painful and often humiliating. It is also necessary. God does not do this and then leave us exposed to the elements. He is there, constantly tending, protecting, fertilizing, providing us with the earthly support necessary to support us throughout the process while tending us through the prayers of others. He plants in us good things and weeds away those things that are unhealthy for us. Sometimes there are larger changes that must be made but through the "crop rotation" we see those things and realize that they may not be dealt with now but if we prune carefully and adjust how the field is planted, we can rid ourselves of some of the uglier or larger unhealthy plants we have allowed to grow. Some roots take longer to kill off. Knowing they are there and taking the first steps toward those 'cleaning' goals is half the battle.

So, like a seed newly sown; like a crocus that first reaches out of the tiny seed and slowly stretches toward the surface...I am growing. I am no longer fallow. I am reaping the rewards of God's gift of emptiness as I watch my life refill with newness and joy; with energy and new found focus. And, while I don't "wish" on anyone the feeling of emptiness, I want for you to experience the joy of being connected to your God; the thrill of knowing that He has put great things in your life and He brings about all things for your good. In the midst of struggle and heartbreak and loneliness, God brings joy and contentment and peace. If we allow him to water and tend and prune imagine what wonderful fruits we can yield!