The other day while cleaning out my jewelry (in an effort to stay occupied while awaiting a call I was not looking forward to...) I found my father's ID bracelet. It was given to me years ago. He had not worn it in years and I think it was possibly the first piece of jewelry I owned. I immediately put it on; I needed to wear it.
I remember being so thrilled to have it; so excited to be trusted with a piece of my father's past. I remember wearing it often as if this piece of silver metal was a medal of some sort, a link to this man I adored. (He is still alive, don't misunderstand!) It's a very neat and streamlined piece with a broad-link sterling silver chain and a plate like a dog-tag with his first initial and last name. Next to the plate is suspended a single charm; a cross. On the back is engraved "6th Grade, 9-73 thru 6-74." It was given to him by his last 6th grade class , the last year he was a principal, before we left for the seminary. It must have had some sentimental notions attached to it for a time but I am sure those are now faded in his memory. He may not even remember the bracelet exists as I have had it for many years.
So now, probably 20+ years later, I wore this bracelet. For a while it was a day like any other day but after a time I noticed something odd and rather significant. There was a weight around my wrist. Not just that "getting used to a new piece of jewelry" feel but a weight; an annoyance, something dragging at me. I could feel the pull of this item and after a few hours, I took it off. I was sad and discouraged that I "couldn't" wear this item I had at one time been so attached to.
Let's face it, time changes us all and I am no longer the young kid who thrilled at being passed a piece of jewelry. Time has also helped me understand that my father, while a good man, was not the be-all and end-all I had built him up to be; he had been on a pedestal that has since fallen. I will always love my father but sometimes, as I think some of you have realized as well, the burden of being who our parents think we should be can be a dragging force in our lives.
I will sadly never wear this piece of jewelry again. I may pass it off to one of the nephews, I may simply bury it away. It holds no true and lasting memory for me any longer. I see in it the girl I was, not the woman I am. I think they are two very different people at this point and part of me does not need the weight of those memories and expectations. They drag at me as they do many of us. The reality that we/I have not met my parents expectations brings a certain amount of shame but in reality, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have worked hard to be the woman I need to be in the world I live in. Yes, I fail at times but that is simply part of being alive. I would be more ashamed if I put this bracelet back on and allowed the weight of my fathers expectations and his own failures to drag me down, away from the path God has set down for me, away from the life He is leading me to live.
So today I am determined to shed the weight of expectation I have been carrying for these many years. Today I will be the best I can be as God would have me. Today I will set aside the shame of unmet expectations and the shame of being less than I truly am. Today I will love fully, embrace what is with faith and hope, keep a joyful heart, and face each moment with God's Grace and strength. It is truly all I can do.
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