In a previous blog I said something to the effect that recently I have struggled to write as either I cannot capture the words or what I have to say seems either too personal or so trite it just should not be put to page. Interestingly, several readers comment with statements basically saying “Keep writing! What you say touches me, affects me! Don’t monitor, just write!” Well, today I am going to accept that directive and see what happens.
Ever have one of those days or even a series of days when things seem to be going along really well and suddenly you are slapped in the face with the magnitude of your sinfulness? Even those sins you are unaware of are brought to the fore of your consciousness and suddenly you wonder why your friends tolerate you, why anyone speaks to you…why God bothers with you??? I am so steeped in sin.
Ha, that word “steeped” seems interestingly appropriate. As if the leaves of sin have been sitting in the water of my life for long hours, leaving me a harsh, bitter, rancid brew of a human being fit only to be thrown out. I am a bad brew, unfit for human consumption. Sounds a bit extreme, doesn’t it; a bit over the top, a bit over dramatic? Well, in some ways it is but it is my current reality. Besides, by steeped I am also recognizing some new ideas, those being that behaviors…sinful patterns are not usually a momentary thing but often learned behaviors that have been with us for long years. I am realizing that there are things I do every day that are hurtful to others; that I learned through the examples of those before me. They certainly were unaware how these examples would influence me now how I would convert those patterns into my own life nonetheless, I have unconsciously been injuring people with these patterns for longer than I care to think about. I am deeply and irrevocably steeped in these sins…
And yet I keep returning to a familiar Lenten reading; Isaiah 9:2, “The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined” I am walking in darkness…recently the darkness seems more frequent, more overwhelming, deeper and denser than ever before. How long before the great light shines? How long do we wander in our sin before the Lord reveals to us the plan or purpose for this seemingly endless journey? I have no idea. Unfortunately, there is no “out” as this is life. The only choice is to keep moving, keep walking in the hopes of encountering Christ along the path and recognizing Him in the darkness.
Ah, another fear arises…when I encounter Him (and I purposely say “when” as I do continually hope for an encounter that might change my sinful heart) will I even recognize Him? Will I know my God when He reveals himself in His fullness? Or will my eyes be so damaged by sin that I will not see Him at all…just as right now they are so blind they do not see the damage I do as a sinful human being?
I have been trying not to wallow but it seems a never-ending battle. I feel like David in Psalm 51: “I know my transgression and my sin is ever before me.” I am reminded daily of the myriad ways I fail my God and my fellow man. How I fail those closest to me! If I cannot even treat those nearest and dearest to me in a loving way without hurting them constantly, what kind of friend or even human being am I? I have failed. I am so steeped in sin and while I know salvation is mine, some days it is harder to accept as the enormity of my sinful human nature stands as a wall between myself and any grace and forgiveness…
I am steeped in sin.
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