Bloggers Bane

It seems forever since I have written anything. There are moments, days when I feel like there is so much I want to say yet, when I sit down to do so, either the words don't come, things seem utterly trivial or, what is floatingg in my head is so personal or so sad that I don't feel I should share it. This has been the bane of my existence for weeks now.

So, how do I blog consistently when there is such angst connected to this writing? I don't have the answer to that right now. Someone once asked me why I felt compelled to write like this, to just throw things out there for all the world to read. Realize this person is much more reserved than I am so their question was not a surprise to me. They would never display their dirty laundry as I seem to. I have often tought about this question and was not really sure I had an answer. I may have landed on something this week, however. Of course, in order to "explain" I must also explain some other aspects of life. So...here goes.

As some of you may know, I suffer from depression. I have probably struggled with this for years but it is only in the last few that I have come to accept this and am taking steps to help myself in dealing with it. Yes, I am on medication to help me through the day-to-day stuff. Yes, I recieve professional help to assist in finding the roots of my behavior and to develop more positive and healthy ways of thinking and acting, especially in regards to myself. I put this out there for 2 reasons. The first reason is that depression is not something to be ashamed of. I thought that for many years and thus hid it away behind a facade of wit, sarcasm, silly behavior, and food. Secondly, the process of therapy can be scary as it peels away layers of coping mechanism, family history, false self-concepts, etc. and reveals who we are in our very naked and vulnerable states...if we let it. When we embrace the therapeutic process we set ourselves up for pain and heartache but also for learning and self-discovery. I am in the midst of both. They say it gets worse before it gets better...I have no idea where I am in that spectrum. :(

Well, self-discovery is an interesting thing and sometimes the lightbulbs go on extremely brightly. This week was one of those weeks and the revelation applies to this question of why I write what I write, why I share with you all what I do...

Many of you have known me as the fun, sarcastic, sillly, open-book type person. In many ways I am. The "open book" aspect, however, serves a very significant yet unconscious purpose in my life. You see, if I lay all my cards on the table; if I am an open book to everyone who comes along then they see the "shit." Anyone who encounters me gets a first hand, up-close and personal, full-color photo of who I really am...there is not much I hide...and then they know to run away now, before they or I get too invested. At least that is the rationale at times. "Here I am. See how horrible I am. You should not get involved." This method allows me to protect myself from the hurt of being left, being abandon. I expect I will be; the pattern has been set throughout my life that people leave. If I drive you away with the honest of my personal baggage, I hurt less. It's all very twisted and "wrong" thinking. I know that. I am working on it. Just know that the depressed persons mind does not always process as it should or as that of a non-depressed persons. Our perceptions can be skewed and based on odd moments in our pasts that we misunderstood or things that hurt us for reasons we cannot articulate or find healing for. It simply "is what it is" and while I am working hard to change these unhealthy thought patterns, those changes take time.

So, in some ways I am an "open book" when I write here to see how much all of you can tolerate before you stop reading. It's not a game or a test, just a continuous compulsion to lay my cards on the table to see if anyone decides to stick. If they do stick...well, God bless them. If anyone learns from what I write, it is not my doing. If someone understands themselves better or sees themselves in my writing, I am glad the Spirit can use my sinful, broke, depressed nature to reach another hurting soul. It is His doing, not mine.

I don't know how much writing I will be doing in the near future as the internal battles recently have become pretty intense and sometimes it is all I can do to get through day-to-day. If hearing my struggles helps any one of you in some way, let me know. I am more than willing to speak from my own experiences on a topic you may have or to share with you what I face in my battle with depression. But, until I have a stronger handle on myself I may trim back on airing my emotional baggage for a time.

Thank you all for your listening...