When Words Hurt

I have always thought myself to be a wonderful crafter of words. After years of study of both words and the true art of interpersonal communication I thought I was pretty darn good at doing it “right.” I learned how to listen, how to take ownership of my own feelings, how to ask questions to clarify and let others know I was paying attention and wanting to understand. I was “good” at this communication thing and I was good at being a friend. My, how pride has a way of slapping us across the face and showing us our true ignorance…

We sang “Come Follow Me, the Savior Spake” recently and I have felt like a fraud since, especially when it comes to verse 3:

“My heart abound in lowliness
My soul with joy is glowing
And gracious words my lips express
with meekness overflowing
My heart, my mind, my strength, my all
To God I yield, on him I call.”

It almost makes me laugh in self-derision. My heart is not lowly, my soul is not joyful. My lips rarely express graciousness and kindness but sarcasm and biting humor. Meekness?! I don’t know that I truly understand what meekness is. I know what it is to be humbled, to be shamed, to be desperate…but meek? No. I am too bold and too outspoken to truly express meekness. In my pride and thoughtlessness my words often do as much hurt as they do good. I am such a fraud!

I sit here reflecting on Psalm 51:3 “for I know my transgressions and my sin is ever before me.” It is ever…ever, ever, EVER before me. I cannot escape it! It seems at every turn I see what I have done to wrong my neighbor and I return to that place of despair I thought I had left.

Bear with me here as this is a bit hard to admit but for many years I lived solely in the confession of sin. “I a poor miserable sinner confess unto thee all my sins and iniquities with which I have ever offended thee and justly deserve your temporal and eternal punishment.” And there I sat. Condemned. Waiting for God’s punishment. Realizing that I was worthy of only that; punishment, death, hatred, eternal separation from God. I could not hear the next; the absolution made no sense to me. Why would this God, this powerful, majestic, glorious God stoop so low as to forgive someone as worthless and undeserving as me. I could see why my confession was necessary and still is. But the reality of God’s forgiveness and redemption? It seemed a miracle I was not worthy of being a part of. Sometimes it still is.

As I see my “unrightness” with God and with my neighbors, as I live in pride, sorrow, ungracious living…I am reminded of this unworthiness and it is a daily struggle to accept that I can and have already been forgiven. There are days when I get caught in dangerous circular thinking…I am sinful and deserve only punishment – but I am forgiven – Thanks be to God – but why would he do that for me, since I am so sinful and deserve only punishment…and the spiral begins. It can be a dangerous place at times. I have been stuck there. It’s isn’t fun. Thus, words become no longer my friends but my enemies as they warp my perceptions and lead me down dark paths of thought. I am an ignorant wordsmith, a sinful human being whose pride can wound as much as heal. I know my transgression and my sin is ever before me.

Lord, heal this broken and contrite heart that it may live in your grace.