Intimacy

Does that word scare you? Funny how one word has so many connotations, causes so much fear and anxiety and yet, has most of the world yearning for it.

So, what is it and how do we find it? Intimacy is, first and foremost, a personal closeness with another. It is NOT ABOUT SEX! It is about sharing, about relationship. It is we, as sinful human beings trying to make most of life “dirty” that have turned the concept of intimacy into something sordid and vulgar or even solely about sexual intimacy. Intimacy is not thus. It is an emotion bonding, a sharing and trust between two people. Intimacy is genderless, sexless, and a world-wide need. When two people work toward and tend their relationship well, intimate relationships can be beautiful and healthy and strong, offering shelter, comfort, and joy to those involved no matter the gender makeup.

When we don’t understand the concept, intimacy can be frightening. Yet, in that fear is also a simple hesitation at what is unknown. Many of us, me included, are part of this transitory age, where we don’t live in any one place very long, where job changes, location changes, school changes happen at a remarkable rate. Many grew up in that shifting and unsettled land and, even while having stable parental support, the changing landscape holds us back from investing too greatly in people. Someone will be leaving soon and that will hurt so we hold ourselves back from relationship building.

At 40+ years of age, I have done this for a long time. I come from a solid, God-fearing family that moved frequently as my father the minister went where God called. We lacked for nothing and my parents were strong examples of prayer and Godly living. What I realize now is that the shifting environments have had a greater impact on my adult self than I anticipated. I struggle with friendships. I have no idea how to create intimate bonds with people as I never learned the ropes as a child. We would move; why bother. Also, I struggle with trusting myself and that I am important enough for another person to care about. Thus, this illusive intimacy is a challenge and something I am constantly aware of and trying to perfect (often to the frustration of those whose connections I consider intimate as I am always questioning them, doubting me and thus them, making sure we are okay. I must be truly annoying. :) )

So now, at this age, I am experiencing true intimacy for the first time – not of the sexual nature but that of closeness and connection with certain people God has put in my path. I have, now, a couple of “intimate” friends that I can truly be myself with. They have seen me at my best and my worst. They love me anyway. I can come to them fully decked out in joy or stripped bare with grief. They have read my blogs and corrected my mistakes, or called me on my own faulty thinking. They try to understand me. They listen to my unending stories, never telling me to shut up even though I do think they have heard most of them at least twice now! In return, they trust me with their own fears and joys. They know I will listen when they need me. I find myself wanting to extend myself if I can make their lives easier or more joyful. I listen carefully for their needs, their wishes, and their dreams and find ways to see those come to fruition. When they are hurting, I hurt with them and want nothing more than to be there to catch the tears that fall. When they are joyful it is easy to rejoice with them and carry their joy with me.

So, how do we find it? First, we must admit that we need it. Man was not meant to be alone; God knew that right away. Recognition that we do need people in our lives is the first step in opening yourself for relational intimacy. Secondly, realize that you are already in an intimate relationship if you recognize it as such. David says in Psalm 129: “You have searched me and known me…you are intimately acquainted with all my ways…” God knows us better than we know ourselves and better than any human ever can. He invites us to know him just as fully. If you want that, it is there. All you need do is be open to it, visit with God, learn of him and from him, listen to him, and question him. Here is the first basic step in understanding your most key intimate relationship. Also, Scripture gives us the keys to all the other relationships. In it we are commanded to love, to do good, to treat others with care and respect. God gives us all we need to build human intimate relationships.

Human Intimacy is scary. How much do we share? When do we share? What if we do all the sharing and the other person says nothing? What if they use what I say against me? How do I know if I can trust them with my secrets? There are no clear cut answers here to any of those questions. In all cases, intimacy is a matter of trust. Take time and see whom you can trust with the small things of life like rides to the airport, helping with a project, etc. I find that asking for an opinion or input on something and then seeing what you get in response helps me to see if this is someone who thinks like me or challenges me or if they are completely disinterested. It isn’t easy. You have to be willing to risk and evaluate the response and how you are affected by that response. It could be YOU decide that person is not one you want to build such a relationship with. You have to try, however, in order to know.

So, take time to build intimacy…with your spouse, your kids, your neighbor, your sibling, your best friends…establishing close, sharing relationships is essential to your own happiness as well as theirs. Knowing there is even one person out there who cares about your well-being can make a world of difference in any life. Knowing you are there, caring about their as well, makes a difference in theirs.

I cannot thank my “intimates” enough right now. Their trust is a gift I can never repay. They are teaching me my own value and to look honestly at the wonder God has created in me. They are the ground beneath my feet, keeping me stable and as balanced as possible in this ever shifting landscape of living. They are the clichéd wing beneath my wings that allow me the freedom to fly and challenge myself, to take risks knowing they will be there to applaud my success or pull me out of the mud when my wings fail. I think you know who you are…You are all gifts from a loving God and I praise Him daily for your presence in my life. You make a world of difference in my life.