well, this sucks...

I'm sure you've all had days like mine...everything seems fine when suddenly, out of the blue, the bottom seems to fall out and you feel struck down, as if everything it teetering and out of balance. Yeah...that was today so you get a random, completely spontaneous blog to sort through the thoughts in my head.

Today began like any other day on tour including a decent ride to Cleveland and a good concert tonight. It was not until I got the hotel and logged onto my computer to check email that things started to unravel in my head. I won't go into specifics about the emails that sent me "chewing on my brain" as one friend says or the pervasive negative thoughts that invaded. Suffice it to say I tried to sleep but found myself digging further and further into that pit of self pity and stupidity.

Interestingly, this afternoon on a random mall stop I was at Brookstone and there was a mouse pad there that I ran across. It meant nothing at the time but right now it seems rather poignant. It said "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" Well, do you want my whole list? As I was sitting here trying to control my emotional response to the emails I received, I thought "what a failure I have become and I don't even know what I am doing wrong!" I know, destructive and pervasive thoughts...they are not always controllable, are they? They are present in our heads no matter what we do. The devil is pretty crafty that way.

Now, if I knew I couldn't fail what would I really do? If I trusted in God to bring me success no matter what, what risks would I take in my life? Well, I would audition for some major choral group. Am I good enough? That is the question. The answer...no. Yeah, yeah...some of you reading this are going to come back at me, yelling and screaming that I am good enough. Well, I have news. I am not. The failings are too numerous to mention on that score and while I have a decent enough voice, that is all it is. Interestingly at one point years and years ago I was feeling particularly jealous of my sister with her wonderful 2 children, her husband, her home. I don't know if I ever articulated this to her but in my heart I had said "I would trade my voice in a heart beat for that." Well, I am glad I didn't as her road has been more than rocky. But, I do still think I would trade my voice for those things; a loving husband, a family, a true home. Of course, right now, I am not sure my voice would get me a used bicycle so that would have been a poor trade for someone. Yes, I am feeling defeated. Yes, I am feeling as if the one talent I always relied on is suddenly not good enough. Who is this person without her voice? I don't know that I know the answer to that. And one simple message, completely unintended by the sender, has brought on all these questions. Don't feel badly, email sender. You didn't mean to make me think this way. I know this.

I know we all have our lists of things we would do if we knew we could not fail. Things like telling that one person how you really feel about them; telling your boss you want and deserve a raise; risking your security to pursue what you always dreamed of, writing a piece of music or poetry and putting it out there for others to experience. There are hundreds of "risks" we choose not to take because we fear failing. Sad that we cannot believe in ourselves and in God's promises to us to be with us, never forsake us, love us, preserve us...

Unfortunately, I have no answers tonight. My usual positive and uplifting ending has abandon me tonight while I struggle with my own disappointments and failings. Not the way I wanted to spend my evening, I can tell you that, but such is the life of a sinner. The biggest consolation right now stems from my previous blog. I will work hard tomorrow to wear this current struggle as if it were a rose. It pricks me, it brings me tears and disappointment but I will find a way to smile through it and find some purpose for it.

Know that I pray each of you will encounter the joys and successes God has planned for you.