Who Am I? Time with family reveals identity!

As we spend time with our families this holiday I am sure some of us are hit with the realization that we are not who we once were. We are no longer the reflective images of our parents. Sometimes our beliefs change, sometimes how we live our lives changes. Sometimes it is not so much that we have changed but that we become more aware of the patterns of our past and how we have altered our lives to reflect different things.

I could be specific but I won't. Some of you know me, some of you know or are my family so as to protect the innocent, I will not be specific.

Suffice it to say, there comes a time at every holiday where I begin to feel like a stranger in my own body; I begin to wonder if I was dropped by aliens and these beings only took me in, showed me love and raised me to be a God-fearing human being but we are so different they cannot possibly understand me. Am I the me they expect? Am I still the me they loved? Am I so completely different from them that I will never feel that soul-deep connection there once was? My family will always love me, I know that. (Mostly because they are genetically programmed to and have no real choice! :) )

It's hard to realize the changes sometimes. We do our best to build lives for ourselves and become independent; that is what growing up and becoming adults is all about. But let's face it, sometimes those apron strings stretch pretty far. We still, (even at my age!) hope for the approval and adoration of our parents and family. My parents have always been loving and supportive of my decisions (a theatre major, what is she thinking???!!!) and encouraged my creative energies and my education. I cannot ever say they have not been there for me. Today's challenge is the realization that through all their love and encouragement, I have changed. I am happy and content and comfortable with myself, in my own skin. But sitting in their living room, talking, reflecting our our lives, I realize how very different I am and how, in their home, my skin starts to feel uncomfortable...like when your pajama's shift in the night and you feel like your wearing your shirt side-ways...that kind of uncomfortable. You know if you were in the right place/position everything would be fine but you have to alter your position, change your perspective, step away...in order to belong there.

Sometimes families help us connect with our identity, strengthen who we are and what we believe. I am finding, over time, that my family is doing this for me but in a very uncomfortable way...they are helping me to be see where I came from and how hard it can be when we shift away from our parents ideals and embrace our own. I am hearing the apron strings as they begin to give, the fabric beginning to tear away from itself. Do I step back toward them to preserve that which ties us together? Do I pull harder until the connection is broken? Do I remain where I am...render myself stationary so that nothing happens and we maintain the status quo?

Holidays are hard enough...do we have to be feeling members of families too!? Sheesh! Don't EVER think you are grown up and independent. As long as you have families...you are tied to them and you are always the child they remember or want you to be. Your past is inescapable. Your future will involve them as well but only to the extent you allow it...

So, what has my time with my family revealed as pertains to my identity? Here is what I can say...I know who I am when I am on my own. Who I am when I am with them? No clue!