I had a fight...

With God last night.

And it felt really good to finally throw things out into the air that have been weighing on me. Everyone gets angry. Everyone has frustrations. Everyone needs to find ways to handle those issues in a positive and constructive manner with other people. With God, however... Well, let's face it. I can couch my thoughts and feelings, I can choose the "right words" and use all my interpersonal skills to communicate objectively and carefully but God knows what I am really thinking and feeling so why go through all that. He knows my gut, my heart, my soul better than even I do so I just let him get it all.

If any of you are West Wing fans? One of my favorite episodes is when Bartlett's secretary is killed and they have the funeral at the National Cathedral and afterward he stays and yells and rants at God. What a powerful example of a faithful and Godly relationship; a man who feels secure enough in his relationship with his God to "vent his spleen" in hurt and anger, knowing it will not damage the relationship, but let God into his pain. This was my night... (though not as eloquently written as Jed Bartlett's rant, I am sure!

I think I've sort of tossed this out there before but here we go. At 42 years old I realize that more than likely I will be single the rest of my life. If I take life a moment at a time, I am usually "OK" with this idea. Notice...not "great," not "content," not "satisfied," but "OK." When I step back and look at days, weeks, months, years...I honestly HATE being single! I have never, ever wanted anything more than home and family. I never wanted a career and even to this day am much more concerned with creating relationships than furthering my professional life. I am a very old-fashioned and traditional girl in that respect. Well...those dreams will most likely never come to fruition even though the desire is still there, firmly rooted in my heart. Recently, they feel more like a very large weed that must be extracted...yanked up by the roots and destroyed.

So last night I overflowed...with anger, with hurt, with disappointment. And I threw it all back at Him. My big question is "why?" Why does He put such deep desires in our hearts, for things that are good and healthy and part of his plan for most of the rest of the world, and then deny some of us that gift? I know other singles who seem so much more settled in their singleness than I. For a time I wondered how they came to such a place of contentment with their single state. Part of me now wonders if they simply never had the yearning for a different life that I do. Maybe my single friends truly do not understand how badly I yearn for that deep, faithful connection to another human being. I don't know. What I do know is that in this I feel utterly alone. My closest friends do not truly understand how much pain this causes me.

So, last night God and I fought. I told him how confusing this is; why he would put such love in my heart only to have it left unused and unfocused and even unwanted. I no longer ask the "what is wrong with me?" question as, after years of self-talk and hard internal work, I know there is nothing wrong with me. God made me in his image, He has redeemed me and washed me whiter than snow. So, while I may never be skinny and beautiful, etc. I am beautiful on the inside. I am talented and loving and intelligent. I have this mountain of love and care to give someone...and a whole list of other positive things. So...if it's not me...I lay the situation at God's feet. And I tell Him (yes, I told him!) either remove these longings from my heart or fulfill them. I am tired of the constant internal battle. I am tired from all the ups and downs of wondering if these yearnings will ever be filled or if I will constantly feel an emptiness. I felt like Israel, fighting with God...Bless Me! Do what you have promised!

In the light of day there are no more answers as there are in the dark of night. I am spent. My heart remains heavy but not as weighted as before. Now, I challenge God to change me, to change my heart or my life, to ease the ache and bring some light.

If you have read this far...bless you! Thanks for hanging in there while I ranted...Not the blog I intended but I guess it's the one I needed to write today! If you have a love in your life, embrace them. Rejoice that God has placed that special person in your life. If you are like me...you have my prayers in your single struggles.