The Trust Walk Continued

I laughingly tell my students "Well, the first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem.' This usually comes after some silly admission like "I can't get my lines down!" We laugh. We move on. Well, I have found this to be even more to the point recently.

It is as if admitting to myself that I doubt my own value, that I wonder about my own worthiness in this world, I have found a way to battle it. As if bringing it out into the light has made it easier to fight. I can see the source of my doubts, others can see them and tell me "hey, they are not as big and ugly as they seem and they aren't worth the battle preparation you are making. They are lies and will shrivel in the light of acknowledgement and examination."

I am also seeing that this learning to trust myself is but a step on a long and interesting journey. As I explained to another friend, I have been toiling for quite a while in a new garden, creating something beautiful out of what was once barren, empty, and fallow land. The fallowness hurt as God worked to till the soil and rid my life of the weeds and rocks that had choked it. Now, I am planing and this inability to trust is simply a large, well-rooted weed that must be taken down and destroyed. It will take time as the roots run deep but it will happen.

I was challenged not so long ago in this journey. I forced myself to step away from someone I am very close to. I forced myself to trust that everything would be okay if I stepped back, gave distance and didn't fret over every move, every word. Sounds silly but when you feel unworthy of a relationship, it is hard to let go of it and see what will happen. So, I stepped away. And days later, when things got rough, that friend called me for help and consolation and advice. My trust in the friendship and in me showed me that I am worthy of that friends trust and care and friendship. I was rewarded with exactly what I needed, living proof that I am valued in the relationship.

Now, trust is not always about validation, about worthiness, about getting out of something what we put into it. It is both a logical and an emotional thing. We weigh and measure people and circumstances in both ways and evaluate their benefit or their worthiness based on both the logic or reasonableness of them and on the emotional benefits. But, in the end, trust is not about that other person. Trust is about me...can I trust that I will be okay if this choice does not work? Will I survive the circumstances? Do I know that I will do the right thing in this situation should I be called upon to act? Life is full of these moments and questions. It's a matter of trusting our actions/reactions that is the crux. So, do I trust that I am worthy enough to "keep" the friends I have? I am getting there. Do I trust myself not to scare them off or stifle them so they want to leave? I am hoping so. Do I trust God to continue to work in me to conquer these fears and doubts? Absolutely.