We will continue our discussion of trust, specifically trusting yourself (or myself, as the case may be!)
The question has continued to weigh on me all day...why? Where did this lack of self-trust come from? Let's do some digging into my past and see what we find!
I am a lucky little girl, in reality. My parents have been married 51 years and have raised 4 "normal," well-adjusted, successful children. My other 3 siblings are or were married and have their own children. My father was a pastor so we moved quite a bit as he accepted calls to various congregations in the Midwest. We were loved, never spoiled or coddled, encouraged, disciplined, and given opportunities for expanding ourselves and our talents. Things were not always "great" but we were well-provided for. Trust was never an issue in my family.
Oh wait...let's revisit one statement... "My father was a pastor so we moved quite a bit..." Admittedly the moving was difficult on all of us. I guess I thought my younger brother and I were the ones who came through fairly unscathed as we were quite a bit younger but now that I think about it, possibly the scars are simply less obvious than those of my older siblings. I can honestly say I have never had a best friend. I have many close friends now but throughout my growing up years there was never that one person, that constant that I could depend on no matter what. I made friends easily so wherever we were, I made friends and some were closer than others but then the time came to move. The ability of those relationships to continue was dependant on either my parents willingness to assist me with that or me learning the 'How's' of maintaining friendships across sometimes thousands of miles. I never learned that skill. I tried. I failed. Sounds harsh but I know I failed. There was a dear friend in high school...I have no idea where she is now. We stayed connected for a year or two after I moved away but soon life gets in the way and today she is simply a picture in my mind and an ache. It was no one's "fault," simply the way of these things. It is, however, a clear example to me of a relationship that I was unable to maintain. How do I trust myself to build ones that are increasingly important when simple friendship was too much?
Today I encountered another friend from college. I came to college alone, knowing no one, a complete stranger to the place with no connections. This girl and I became fast friends, spending evenings watching Star Trek TNG, being crazy, doing lesson plans, etc. We were in the same program and truly enjoyed each others company. She was my best friend. After 2.5 years I changed programs and engrossed myself in my true passion and future, theatre. In the end, this friend was not a true friend. She did not "understand" this new direction my life was taking and thus pulled away. I was left alone, betrayed, confused, and very lonely. The crux of this one is that it was definitely something "I did" that ended the friendship.
When I look at all these things, it is not others that I do not trust. It is my ability to hold on to what is important, to handle it "correctly" that I don't trust. I could say I don't trust others to stay with me but behind that is the reality that I doubt if I am worthy of their respect, care, trust, love...if I truly believed I was worthy of them, I would be confident in them and in me. So...again, we explore the nature of trust and how to build trust in ourselves so that we can build trusting relationships. You'd think after watching my parents for XX years...I'd have a clue. I guess we don't always learn by example.
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